I feel your Pain

A new day, A new Ramble.

I'm not old yet, but neither am I in the bloom of youth. Lately the body has finally started creaking. The latest to join the procession has been a rotator cuff tear and now for about 6 months I have not really been able to lift my arm without wincing. Although the frequent visits to the therapist and seeing others with dreadful injuries has put some perspective on the pain, but that has not stopped me from being both annoyed and annoying. Hence the raison d'être for this post - Pain and battling it.

I have a couple of dear friends who had debilitating pain which caused a sea change to their life style, they are much better now, and in a way the pain actually has helped them. They took positive proactive steps in controlling with admirable results. So outwardly it’s been a beneficial change but you need to look at their eyes when they talk about the pain to see the fear and dread which is now thankfully keeping them in the right path. Also it’s not been easy on their families to deal with a loved one in constant pain.

I recently met Bob Yarmy, a fellow pilot and a flight instructor; his story is one of immense tragedy and yet amazing resilience. Imagine a young handsome pilot, an aircraft builder, imagine his best friend (his twin brother), imagine a beautiful accomplished wife and a precocious child, imagine the world at your feet only to be shattered by an accident which result in amputation of both legs, death of your brother, followed by divorce and a losing custody battle which keeps you away from your child for 15 long years. Taking all in his stride, with immense determination he learned to walk and then fly again. Now he designs flight training courses, is back instructing and to top it all goes around kayaking deep in the ocean. What stuck me when conversing with him was that I could not detect any note of self pity and what I remember is him saying "What really helped was going to the rehabilitation center every day and seeing much more unfortunate people, I also had a good support group of friends & family and I realized I still had a lot going for me and lot to live for". Talking to a real person makes you realize the best medicine is a concoction of optimism, hope and the understanding support of people around you.

One of the greatest challenges of chronic pain/sickness is finding ways to live with others. I think loved ones have the most difficulty confronting pain. Your suffering becomes theirs, but in the face of constant suffering and their helplessness, dissatisfaction creeps in and then - maybe subconsciously - a little bit of resentment sets in. It could then trend towards judging instead of understanding, the judging in turn could lead to blame ("you did it to yourself", "you are not taking medication", "you are faking" and "the pain is in your head").

For the patient, now its easy to fall back to martyrdom and close shop, stay in your cocoon, this provides freedom from having to clarify, apologize, or feel guilty. You will no longer impose your torment on anybody else.

I guess what we really need is a common ground; a shared understanding of each other’s suffering. Pain is relative, and you can know and can experience only your pain, you may think you know what someone else’s pain feels like, but you can never really know. This is why it becomes difficult to empathize with others who are experiencing pain. Meanwhile the patient has to understand that everyone is anguished, both the patient and care giver are suffering and both need help from each other to keep up spirits. That feeling of mutual sympathy may be the best healer for all.

Of course this is my amateur understanding of pain psychology, it may be a little naïve and simplistic and I definitely want to hear other's take on this.