First Blood

So I would have to face them alone.

Even there in the depths of despair, I was honest enough to admit I did not fear the deed itself, it was the fear of not knowing how would I act, like a whimpering cowardly cur or would I face it with brave unbowed countenance.

Thus began the tale of the most dreadful challenge I faced. I should warn this is not for the faint hearted, close this page or forever suffer the consequences.

I had heard the tales of the brave knights of yore. The fabled warriors of the round table who went forth with a smile on their lips facing the most fearsome dragons and monsters. A quest from their Queen meant nothing more than a task to be simply carried out whatsoever the outcome to their own personal selves. Yet those tales did not build up my fortitude, I was but a simple commoner, yea the queen had personally asked me to take care of this small (hah!) problem. I too like the knights of old would gladly lay down my life for my queen, but what she was asking me was something infinitely worse than death.

She had summoned me to her chambers and asked if today I was ready for the one task I had never done. She said "I know you have been a faithful, loyal subject, a slave who has fulfilled my every wish, Brave Sir now I ask you the greatest sacrifice" I simply stared at her beautiful self and heard myself say "Yes My lady, whatever is thine desire".
She replied with an earnest smile “Good Sir, understand this. I do not ask you to do anything I have not done myself. Yes I do know that you know not of such things and this is an Olympian endeavor to you, but I feel true and confident about you".

I filled with pride at my fair Queen’s word, after all if she thought I was fit for this who was I to dispute.

She went on "Tonight I have to go far from the kingdom, I leave the entire future of this realm in your hands. Deep down in the dungeons await your undertaking, acquit yourself well and you will be amply rewarded” She looked deep in my eyes and said “beyond your wildest dreams”. Well I’m a pretty wild dreamer so could imagine the rewards but her next words were like splashes of cold icy water “Be aware that you have to keep your wits with you, this mission require 10 heads, 20 arms, eyes at the back of your head, a cool presence, organized thoughts, quick mind and swift tongue".Filled with trepidation at her words but unable to deny the request I simply held silent. She smiled at me pityingly as she added “Understand if you can last the day, you are safe; though known to sometimes attack at night, they are not nocturnal, but at the crack of dawn ready yourself anew for the battle”.

“I just ask you to last these two days and I will back before the moon touches the sky morrow night, so fair ye well good sir". I smiled bravely at her and asked if she had a few minutes before she left. On her affirmative answer, I walked with all my dignity to the other room, latched the door and burst into wracking sobs. God Why, Why me?

There I was alone, buffeted by circumstances; the world was not a pleasant place. Was I scared? Godammit it I was, Did I break? Did I back down? Nooo....

I readied myself and went down to face the monsters, I knew they were two of them, they hunted in ravenous pairs. I stood outside the barred door and tried to listen. My blood curdled at what I heard. I could have withstood the growling, snarling or even screaming but they were giggling!!!

They probably smelled my warm blood and knew I was near by, a tasty entrée for them. Oh God the Horror the absolute Horror!

But the deed had to be done, and I swore to myself that by all I had in me, I would do the best I could.
I took a deep breath and stepped inside and the monsters started shrieking "Papa, Papa..........”.

Pain Revisited

My last post generated a number of emails from friends/relatives commiserating with me and hoping for my quick recovery.
I thank everyone for their concern from the bottom of my heart, but to tell you all the truth I’m a wee bit embarrassed. My injuries are really trifling compared to what others have suffered and are suffering. I can imagine them reading and going “Cry baby”.

I just used the hurt shoulder as a reference point for my post without really trying to imply that it’s a devastating injury.
What I wanted to bring out was how a sickness impacts everyone, both the injured and their families. what I was seeking for - although I’m sure there have been reams of professional research on this - was to converse about how often the psychological aspects are ignored while we purely look at the physical facet.

In any case I’m quickly going to pen a new post about something entirely different so that you all realize that the injury has not incapacitated me from hounding and boring all with my attempts at writing.

I feel your Pain

A new day, A new Ramble.

I'm not old yet, but neither am I in the bloom of youth. Lately the body has finally started creaking. The latest to join the procession has been a rotator cuff tear and now for about 6 months I have not really been able to lift my arm without wincing. Although the frequent visits to the therapist and seeing others with dreadful injuries has put some perspective on the pain, but that has not stopped me from being both annoyed and annoying. Hence the raison d'être for this post - Pain and battling it.

I have a couple of dear friends who had debilitating pain which caused a sea change to their life style, they are much better now, and in a way the pain actually has helped them. They took positive proactive steps in controlling with admirable results. So outwardly it’s been a beneficial change but you need to look at their eyes when they talk about the pain to see the fear and dread which is now thankfully keeping them in the right path. Also it’s not been easy on their families to deal with a loved one in constant pain.

I recently met Bob Yarmy, a fellow pilot and a flight instructor; his story is one of immense tragedy and yet amazing resilience. Imagine a young handsome pilot, an aircraft builder, imagine his best friend (his twin brother), imagine a beautiful accomplished wife and a precocious child, imagine the world at your feet only to be shattered by an accident which result in amputation of both legs, death of your brother, followed by divorce and a losing custody battle which keeps you away from your child for 15 long years. Taking all in his stride, with immense determination he learned to walk and then fly again. Now he designs flight training courses, is back instructing and to top it all goes around kayaking deep in the ocean. What stuck me when conversing with him was that I could not detect any note of self pity and what I remember is him saying "What really helped was going to the rehabilitation center every day and seeing much more unfortunate people, I also had a good support group of friends & family and I realized I still had a lot going for me and lot to live for". Talking to a real person makes you realize the best medicine is a concoction of optimism, hope and the understanding support of people around you.

One of the greatest challenges of chronic pain/sickness is finding ways to live with others. I think loved ones have the most difficulty confronting pain. Your suffering becomes theirs, but in the face of constant suffering and their helplessness, dissatisfaction creeps in and then - maybe subconsciously - a little bit of resentment sets in. It could then trend towards judging instead of understanding, the judging in turn could lead to blame ("you did it to yourself", "you are not taking medication", "you are faking" and "the pain is in your head").

For the patient, now its easy to fall back to martyrdom and close shop, stay in your cocoon, this provides freedom from having to clarify, apologize, or feel guilty. You will no longer impose your torment on anybody else.

I guess what we really need is a common ground; a shared understanding of each other’s suffering. Pain is relative, and you can know and can experience only your pain, you may think you know what someone else’s pain feels like, but you can never really know. This is why it becomes difficult to empathize with others who are experiencing pain. Meanwhile the patient has to understand that everyone is anguished, both the patient and care giver are suffering and both need help from each other to keep up spirits. That feeling of mutual sympathy may be the best healer for all.

Of course this is my amateur understanding of pain psychology, it may be a little naïve and simplistic and I definitely want to hear other's take on this.