The Enemy in the Mirror

So another year on us and hopefully a renewed reinvigorated version of our self all girded up and ready to battle on.

Just like I mentioned in a post (A New Beginning) some years back. I still refuse to set any goals or make a concrete resolution.

But this time around I’m going to turn a little 180⁰ and stop being too gentle on myself. I’m going to be a lot more ambitious by trying to convince myself and maybe some of you to look into changing the very nature of our being. Now a fair warning to anyone who is prone to depression or morbid self blame – STOP READING. I don’t want to be responsible for any suicidal thoughts by anyone given to despairing about themselves. My whole piece is based on How its really all your fault, yes it truly is!

My whole “new” philosophy is not really new, it’s pretty simple and probably been said ad infinitum by self help gurus everywhere. In one line - Accept responsibility for your life. It’s one of those things you always read and hear about, and don’t necessarily disagree with but never stop to think how it applies to your own everyday mundane existence. The important word here is mundane. I think people who undergo immense life changing experience can readily understand this concept of being thankful and taking ownership of thier own lives. But the majority of people like me, who never had to suffer drastically through their live, strangely are the ones who seem to crib and complain the most.

Oddly where we should be thankful for everything, we seem to give thanks for nothing. Almost every time its someone else fault, He was a creep, she is a b…h, my boss never got my true capabilities, My spouse never understood me. I just don’t have the time, if only I had a little bit more money. They will never let me go ahead because I’m …….[white, black, brown, immigrant, woman, young, old and so on and on].

Now I’m not saying that other people or circumstances cannot be an impediment to our success or goals, but that’s what they are - only a hindrance, a mere pebble in the shoe, an obstacle that you should not use as a crutch by making it the whole reason for your failure.

So stop finding excuses, go and hit the gym, talk to your kids and family, improve your skill sets and look for new opportunities, laugh often and loudly. Take ownership of yourself. Remember whatever you want out of life is in your hands and finding people and reasons to blame is never going to help. To paraphrase a line from the movie Batman - "It's not who you are , but what you do that defines you".

In short what you have is YOUR problem and YOU are the solution!

A Second Self

A friend is, as it were, a second self. ~ Cicero.  

What makes a friend a friend? 
Is it the turmoil’s and travails you may have weathered through, is it the spark or chemistry between you, or is it the opposites attracting, is it a shared passion or interest. is it sycophancy, is it a common humor, is it a non threatening environment, is it mutual admiration. is it dependence. Is it just a cynical utilitarian symbiotic relationship?

Why do two people in a party make a beeline for each other, while two other with almost the same shared interests, social standing and age avoid each other? Why do old friends stop talking and stand in discomfited silence as they artificially smile at each other i.e. if and when they meet. Is it that having travelled different paths they find nothing in common. Does one of them feels that he/she has moved on to a different level and has more “class”, or does the other feel they are inferior in terms of wealth or status and not "worthy". Why do two disparate individuals meet for the first time and are immediately going into paroxysm of laughter as they plan a get-together the next weekend?
 
Like most things in life I guess it’s an amalgam, you need a basic level of chemistry and comfort level, sometime followed by a nurturing period which hopefully leads to a growth of maturity and closer bonding .
 
To digress a little, I dislike the irritating cliché "a friend in need...", I contend it’s easy to commiserate and help out when a friend is in need. Unfortunately for most, it seems, it’s harder to see a more successful accomplished friend who either does not act humble enough or when you vainly think “you” deserved better out of life. 

I've never liked the "best" friend term either, especially its exclusivity. I feel friends are constantly moving from your inner circle to a outer circle and vice versa. it’s not a diploma that you get for life, it requires constant nurturing, constant adaptation and fluidity, it requires time spent together to keep away the awkwardness and distance that quickly grows. I have been in close proximity with someone who I could rib about their habits, spouse or work and the response would be a good natured grin. A few years passes before meeting again and you tend to be exceeding polite when you say anything if at all about their peculiarities, job or family.
 
In any case we would agree with Aristotle who thought friendship is a kind of virtue, most necessary for living. Nobody would choose to live without friends even if she had all the other good things. It’s the very elixir of life. There is that rare joy amongst friends where we can uninhibitedly share unrestrained school boy giggles amongst middle aged men or that horse like snort and pig like squeals amongs sophisticated ladies.
 
Your siblings and parents you are born with, your children are your creations, your spouse is an extension of you. No doubt all of them could be great friends too but whether you get along or not you are stuck with them. Friends on the other hand comes with no string attached. You could have an intimate conversation with them and walk away never to meet and not feel guilty or suffer any consequences. you could meet the closest friends after years and with a nod go right back to exchanging insults with no hard feelings or remorse what so ever.
 
True friendship is tough, I think a lot tougher than even finding love. Romantic relationships are often extremely well thought out and intentional. it may look like you are irresistibility falling in love, but there is a constant thinking and a kind of personal checklist you are going through, you and your significant other are both adapting and changing according to the needs to mold yourself into a long term partnership. There are usually no second chances there - at least not without the pain and frustration of break ups and a very good divorce lawyer :-)
 
Friendship, on the other hand, is usually a lot more open, you come in with your baggage and need not change a bit to gain a friend. That is why I've found that I can't really choose my friends. I can definitely decide who is not my friend, but I can't seem to capriciously pick people out to be friends with. No matter how cool, how witty, how interesting to me they may be. And likewise, no one can choose they want to be my friend. The best friends I've had are the people who just happened to become my friends. A smile here, a wisecrack there, a knowing look and the friendship starts, and then if cultivated it just grows. I think friendship works when it's completely casual and incidental. In that regard, it's nothing like any other relationship in the world.
 
To recognize a friend , therefore, it is necessarily to recognize oneself, and to know a friend is in a manner to know oneself. A person is related to his friend in the same way as he is related to himself, since your friend is just another you.

Another same old day

Days turns to night and months to years.
You live long enough with someone and soon years pass before you really talk to each other.
Soon they have a feeling that it was a different person they met those early years.
It was someone attentive, fun, sensitive, helpful, someone everything more!
And maybe you start to think that they didn’t turn out to be all that they promised to be.
And lately you may have this feeling that You are just someone who lives with an unknown person,
and maybe the phrase "taken for Granted" comes to your mind,
maybe you have the feeling that all the love, the passion, the hunger for each other have been washed away in the rushing days of our present life.
Maybe you don't feel appreciated, cared for, understood by the person who promised the world but somehow failed to deliver .
Maybe you don't even feel Loved.
And MAYBE Everything is true - Maybe the best friend in the world didn't turn out to be that great a spouse.

But maybe then again that unfeeling person actually feels and want to scream that You were and are the best thing that happened to them.
A thousand lives, better a thousand dreams, they would be willing to sacrifice to have and keep your love.
Maybe the years have not ravaged the ardor, the passion, the thirst, the craving for you.
Maybe the silence is just a reaffirmation of the love and the comfort they feel with you.
Maybe today they would reiterate they are nothing without you. Today they tell you that you are the pride, the beauty, the alpha and the omega of life for them

Ideal Idol Worship

So yesterday I wrote about my muddled search for a personal idol and not trusting it to be single fallible person or even a group of famous people I experienced an epiphany, a spiritual realization. 

It’s true I do not have a single role model because what I have had are thousands of role models. Every single person I have met in my life has had their faults but then each and every one of them also had something I could admire, emulate and desire. 

Starting from my Mom’s enormous thirst for knowledge; to my Dad’s sunny optimism and literary bent; to my wife’s uber cool non-sanctimonious nature; to my kids’ infectious curiosity. 

Among my friends I have been encouraged by seeing someone taking control of their diet and body, to someone sacrificing their career for their family, to someone having the courage to rejoin the work force after years of homemaking, to someone leaving a cushy job to follow their dreams. 

I have picked up tips from people tasteful décor, to their knowledge of wine and food, I have acquired gems of philosophy from a barely literate rustic, discovered the ability to step back and laugh from staid old maids, learnt how to maintain my ethics and integrity from a go getting ambitious woman. Found the value of empathy from a boss who realizes you have a life beyond work and from the lunch lady who smiles and relaxes each new comer. Understood 'love thy neighbor' from a neighbor who helps you above and beyond what’s required.

Note I have never been reticent about the qualities I see. I bring it up and mention it constantly, sometimes I have been accused of insincere flattery. People who do not realize I’m only highlighting qualities they themselves should be aware and so what if I embellish it with a few over the board adjectives. Sometime we ourselves are not aware of the heroic qualities we posses or even the rare greatness of character that shines through.

So that’s my unassuming suggestion to anyone like me who does not have a role model. Look around; there are mentors all around, little tidbits you can glean from nearly every one you meet. If you pick up all the disparate things you admire in the varied people you meet you really would/could become that supreme idol worth worshipping.

Idle Idol Worship

Some time ago a friend asked me who did I idolize. As I visibly struggled to think of a role model, he good naturedly mocked me saying "You probably think you are too good to have an idol".

His words stuck with me as I thought more and more about it. Was it my ego that made me assume that I did not need to look up to anyone?

Recently I was sort of introduced via a dear friend to someone who has accomplished everything I have dreamt of. He is an air force officer, a national award winner, has the extremely rare achievement of circumventing the earth, and to top it all is a published author, probably witty and personable too. Sadly I never followed up on a possible friendship, what if he turned out to be arrogant and condescending, or even dismissive. What if on a personality level we did not have anything in common? I had him on too high a pedestal to risk the falling off so I just kept my distance. Foolish? I agree. My neuroses? probably. Irrational?  surely.

It’s true that I don't/can't worship anyone; it is true I do not wish to emulate anyone. I think it just not restricted to me but true for a lot of us. It actually may be really common in our modern cynical society. We all have seen the so called inspirational leaders with feet of clay. The more you read, the more you listen, the more you observe, the more you realize no one is perfect.

Role models and idols should be the fulcrum of leadership. People, whom you read, emulate and try to define your success by how close you can come to copying their mannerisms, choices and lifestyles. But in this day and age when everyone's life has been picked apart, we know no one is perfect.

Look at the great figures of recent history; Mother Teresa has been criticized for using her charitable work to promote her Catholic beliefs; Gandhi for general abandonment of his own family; Martin Luther King Jr. for allegations of infidelity; Even Jesus using violence when he ran the people out of the temple. You realize People are just people; human beings are mortal feeble beings. So we stop expecting them to be super men. And we take the cynical viewpoint of being our own idol.

That relief I felt at knowing I was not really egoistic was tinged with disappointment at my inability to have a role model. As Ben Johnson said “Very few men are wise by their own counsel, or learned by their own teaching. For he that was only taught by himself had a fool for his master.” 
So was I a fool?, someone who thought was even above Aristotle whose idea of virtue ethics relies largely on the effects role models have on people. 

So I went back to reflecting and realized something wonderful, More about that later……

The Parting

She was going to leave him. There was a joyous excitement within her tinged with a little fear. She did not really know how it would enfold, she was really not afraid of him making a scene or passionately remonstrating. After all he was always in total control. That was what had appealed to her for a fleeting time in the very beginning.

But now she felt it was almost inhuman. Everything he did was so well thought out, so by the book, She could not complain about him missing an anniversary or not making solicitous calls to her old parents. He guided her through her nascent career, he helped her brother through his college. He actually had a hand in helping everyone he came across. He did it quietly, unemotionally and never went overboard with the assistance he provided. A nudge, a word, a little help and he changed the person’s world. He arranged magnificent charity drives, was an active member in the local council, contributed to school activities. To her it seemed he did everything looking at the return on investment, the bottom line. The tasks were always done with a cold irrefutable logic on the need of the hour.

During her self pitying phrase she had silently cried in desperation about living with a such a cold hearted person. Like his off handed dismissal of her offer to help in his business. Like the time when she had that operation. She remembered him taking her to the hospital, picking up the prescriptions, arranging for the nurse and then leaving on the business trip because as he said – he was not a doctor. That there is a certain required healing time which he could not help with anyway. And that in any case the nurse was there and the best thing to do in an emergency would be to call for an ambulance to go the hospital. That cold unrelenting logic and looking at everything through the prism of reason drove her to distraction. She had been bought up on passion and soft words and although she understood the practicality of the way he lived, the cause and effect mentality, she detested and hated it with all her heart.

She then met J. He was talented but oh so awkward, witty with the tendency every so often to put his foot in his mouth, immensely charismatic but very self conscious. He was cute and boyishly good looking without really knowing how attractive he was. He laughed aloud at jokes he liked and grimaced equally loudly at something or someone he did not like. He had a way of shyly entering a room and standing quietly in a corner, and then in a couple of hours you would see him on top of the table belting out songs to loud appreciative screams. He touched everyone lives without knowing he did so. He lived on the moment. Sometime he would lose all sense of time, for instance the time he made her wait for hours because he got into a passionate debate with a complete stranger about the local animal shelter. J was her sun, her moon and her stars. She did not think she existed before she met him, his raw passion for life thrilled her very core. He really gave her everything she wanted from life.

He relentlessly argued with her to let go on a marriage gone sour and move in with her. She always agreed but never seemed to find the will to do it, till today. Today she would let her husband know that she could not live with him any longer, she would not ask for any money, just the suitcase she had packed early in the morning. She was meeting him for lunch, one of the short lunch they had every Wednesday where he always choose and ordered what he thought she should have. As she reached the restaurant she realized that very unlike him he was late, she slid into their usual booth and ordered a strong hot coffee, she was sure she would need that warmth as she got his cold, logical response to her decision.

He walked in, and although dressed impeccably as always, somehow looked a little disheveled. He ordered ,again surprisingly unlike him, a glass of scotch. He looked at her almost wonderingly for a few seconds, before quietly saying “Is six months more too much to ask?”.

She looked at him with a shock as she realized he knew! She thought bitterly about the private detectives he had probably hired to follow her around. She desperately tried not to scream and asked him back very quietly “How long have you known”?

He looked at her with surprise and replied with a faint smile “I would have thought you of all person would show a little more emotion, anyway I found out this morning”.

She noticed a faint tremor at the corner of his lips and wondered if the implacable soul could actually feel? She asked back a little more heatedly “Who told you”?

He replied gently “the doctor of course, he said I have two months at the most three, the cancer is too far advanced for any treatment, I would have loved 6 months to arrange my affairs but…..”

Her mind went blank as she heard him carry on “ I especially worry about you, I tried to avoid bothering you with mundane stuff. See I did not ever want you to change, you were ... are so perfect. My love for you was the only joyful thing I had in my life”.

His voiced dropped to a hoarse whisper as he continued “Hopefully I can explain everything to you before I’m gone. It’s just my hope you would continue living life as I wanted too but never could, live it to the fullest, maybe even find someone who could give you back as much as you have given me, give you back everything you ever wanted from life”.

Dreamless Dreams

Was the mistake in ever opening books itself?
You read about slaves becoming kings and lowly corporals becoming emperors of nations and your hearts are filled with grandiose dreams and wants. Your knowledge of men and letters gives you the false sense of being a superior person, a person who could emulate the great men and move mountains and crest clouds. You have been on Homer’s odyssey; you have flown with the Wright brothers; and studied at the foot of Plato.

All that indiscriminate knowledge coupled with grey hairs has given you remarkable erudition unburdened by moral conscience and naivety. Shouldn’t that be sufficient to have mastered the world? Shouldn’t that been the path to the top of heap looking with amusement at the poor plebian souls? Yet somehow you never got the opportunities and still yearn for illustrious success.

Then again maybe you got the chances but just never had the talent to recognize great opportunities. Or worse maybe you had the talent but the energy was never there. And Of course the catchall - maybe the opportunities, the talent and the energy were present but the fear of failure was just too great.

So what do you do? Accept that some people are meant to be the drones, the worker bees? The kind of people - who although still important - can just cheer the exalted ones on their way to the summit. It would have so easy to accept that only if your “readings” had not left you with unbridled ambitions and dreams. Only if the fast advancing years did not create a sinking feeling on hearing the creaking of the doors slowly closing shut.

Maybe we would have been happier just busy living life instead of thinking about it.
Yes it’s sad to be a small man with tiny dreams, but it’s colossally sadder to be a small man with huge unrequited dreams!